For those of you that don't know, I went through a miscarriage this past January. I wish I could explain the magnitude of the experience to you. It was so unreal to have something so precious and then have it taken away from you. The physical process hurt, the emotional process hurt worse. The amazing part was the amount of people that really reached out and shared their stories of loss with me too. It was so sobering and healing. I decided then that I wouldn't be someone who suffered quietly, I wanted people to know what we had been through so that I in turn could help others who were maybe going through the same thing.
One thing the lost pregnancy confirmed for us is that we wanted to be parents. Fast forward 9 months and we find out we get a second chance. I can't even tell you how scary those first few weeks of pregnancy were. I held my breath every time I had to go to the bathroom, scared of what I might find. Every weird movement, every not right feeling scared me… even if I didn't voice it. And it scared my husband too. I will never forget him having to be the strong one when we made our way to the hospital for my miscarriage. I'll never forget sobbing so hard that I couldn't even tell the front desk worker what was wrong, and I'll never forget him fighting back the tears as he tried to explain what was happening. I don't know what was worse for him, the loss of the baby, or seeing me like that. Either way, there was no way either of us wanted to go through that again.
Luckily, our doctor is one of the most caring people I have ever met. He had us in every two weeks in the beginning of this new pregnancy and gave us an ultrasound every time so we could see our little baby growing. I'll always remember the first time we heard the little heart beat, it was magical. Once we hit that second trimester it was the most amazing sigh of relief. We made it. We could relax a little.
Last week we found out that we are having a beautiful baby boy. I am so scared and excited and every other emotion you can think of to be this little guys momma. We decided to name him Tobin Lee. Tobin means God is good, and I couldn't think of a more fitting name after the year we have had. It was one of the toughest things we have gone through but I honestly wouldn't change a thing. I believe whole heartedly that everything happens for a reason and God knows what he's doing. My husband and I have always had a great relationship, but there's something about hitting rock bottom together that brings a closeness that you won't understand until you've been there too. I don't think either of us have ever been more ready for this baby boy. Grant it, I have no idea what I'm doing, but hopefully Tobin, my husband and I can fake it til we make it.
A lot of you that are reading this are our friends and family. I hope you know how much we appreciate you guys. You all helped us get through a really tough time whether you knew it or not. And the excitement and joy you share for our unborn child is honestly one of the most heartfelt things I have ever experienced. Thank you.
Tobin, we are so excited to meet you. You already make me want to be a better human. I think about you all the time. What you'll like and dislike, the things that will make you happy and sad. I am so excited to be your momma. I'm even more excited for you to meet your dad. I may be biased, but I'm pretty sure he's one of the greatest humans ever, and he's going to be the most amazing daddy.
This post wouldn't be complete without some ultrasound pics. I'm sorry for those of you that get weirded out by them, but to me they're the most beautiful things in the world.
Thanks for reading,
Leslie
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